Developing emotional intelligence in us and in our children

Emotional intelligence (EQ) is defined as being able to understand one’s own feelings and the feelings of others as well as being able to control one’s own emotions and exercising self-control. It’s a set of skills that is developed from a young age, with some children already displaying it  when they interact with you as their parent. Little babies can sense their parents or other’s emotions, as a survival mechanism. They can sense if someone is happy or just puts up a smile.

Importance of emotional intelligence in adults

A deeper understanding of emotional intelligence in adults helps to create better interpersonal relationships, better knowledge of self and therefore potentially a higher quality of life.  It negates the need for emotional compartmentalisation and increases empathy and forgiveness in the self and others.   

Importance of emotional intelligence in children

Over the past several decades, studies have found that emotional intelligence is a very important component of a child’s personality that will serve them well throughout their entire life. Here are just a few of the reasons why emotional intelligence is such an important skill to have:

High EQ is linked to high IQ. Children with higher levels of emotional intelligence perform better on standardised tests. They are more open to critical and exploratory thinking and tend to have higher grades and a better capability to learn.

Better relationships. Emotional intelligence skills help kids manage conflict and develop deeper friendships. Adults with high levels of emotional intelligence also report better relationships in their personal and professional lives.

Childhood EQ is linked to higher success during adulthood. A 19-year study published by Jones DE, Greenberg M, Crowley M.in the American Journal of Public Health found that a child’s social and emotional skills in kinder may predict lifelong success. Children who were able to share, cooperate, and follow directions at age 5 were more likely to obtain university degrees and to begin working full-time jobs by age 25.1

Improved mental health. Individuals with higher levels of emotional intelligence are less likely to experience depression and other mental illnesses.  They are better able to self-regulate their emotions.  The benefits of emotional intelligence make sense. A child who can calm themself when they feel angry is likely to do well in difficult circumstances. A child who can express their emotions in a healthy way is likely to maintain healthier relationships than a child who screams or says mean things when they’re angry.

The good thing is, all kids have the capacity to learn emotional intelligence skills. They just need us as parents to teach them how.

Label your child’s emotions

Kids need to know how to recognise how they’re feeling. You can help your child by putting a name to the emotions—at least the emotion you suspect your child is feeling.

When your child is upset they lost a game, you can say, “It looks like you feel really angry right now. Is that right?” If they look sad, you might say, “Are you feeling disappointed that we aren’t going to visit Grandma and Grandpa today?”

Emotional words such as “angry,” “upset,” “shy” and “painful” can all build a vocabulary to express feelings. Don’t forget to share the words for positive emotions, too, such as “joy,” “excited,” “thrilled” and “hopeful.”

One of the common mistakes most of us do is to use facial expressions as a way to teach or kids about feelings. This can be a good start but definitely not the end goal. We all know how we sometimes put up a smile on our face but feel very far away from happy in side. Therefore, it is important to label the feelings based on the situation when you suspect that you can correctly identify their emotion. For example, if your child behaves kindly towards someone, such as by trying to comfort a crying baby or friend, then you can take the opportunity and say to your child, “That was very nice of you to be so worried about your friend; I’m sure it made them feel much better when you were so kind to them.”

Teach empathy to your child

Empathy is the ability to be able to put yourself in someone else’s shoes and understand that person’s emotions and feelings.

Research has shown that empathy is essential in building healthy and happy relationships with family and friends, and in doing well at school. It makes sense, after all if you had a choice between working with someone who is kind, considerate, and respectful or someone who has no regard for your thoughts or feelings, who would you choose?

Empathy can also be an important factor in teaching kids what bullying is and how not to engage in bullying behaviour. Teaching empathy is thus an important foundation in preventing bullying in school.

While some people mistakenly believe that empathy is something we are born with and therefore either naturally have or don’t have, the fact is that it is a skill that can be taught. Here are some ways we as parents can try to teach empathy to our children.

It starts with making sure your child’s own emotional needs are met. 

In order for a child to be able to feel and express empathy for someone else, their own emotional needs must first be met. Your child must be able to count on you as their parents and caregivers to provide emotional support before your child can provide it to someone else.

Teach your child how to cope and express negative emotions. 

Kids and adults experience negative emotions such as anger and jealousy. We cannot control these emotions in us but we can control how we express these emotions in our behaviour. If children are taught how to handle these feelings in a safe and positive way they are more likely to be able to show empathy to others.

Encourage thinking how the other would feel

Young children are inherently self-centred. When a young child hits a friend or takes away a toy they are playing with, for instance, then you as a parent need to explain that such behaviour hurts the other person physically or emotionally. Try saying something like, “How would you feel if someone took your toy away?” or “How would you feel if someone hit you?”

Name that feeling. 

To help your child understand emotions and feelings, identify and label them as much as possible. If your child behaves in an unkind or negative way, say, “I know you may feel angry but it made your friend sad when you took his toy from him.”

Demonstrate empathy to your child

When your child is upset — especially when their emotions seem a bit over the top — we often are tempted to help our child by dismissing their feelings. For example, sometimes parents say to their children ‘Don’t be angry’, ‘Don’t be sad’ or ‘Don’t be frustrated’. This is a common mistake that we do, as it communicates to our child that it is wrong to feel this way. However, what’s wrong is not the feeling but the behaviour which your child used based on the feeling. For example, if your child is shouting at someone and you say to your child not to be angry.  Then your child will learn that they should not feel anger instead of learning that shouting is not a productive behaviour to demonstrate when we are angry. Always remember that you can’t control the feelings. You can only control the behaviours that you child associates with a feeling.

A good response to an inappropriate feeling-based behaviour would be to empathise with the emotion your child feels and direct them to an appropriate behaviour. For example, you can say: ‘I understand how you feel angry when someone does not do what you want. Try to explain to the other why you want it to be done in this way.’

When your child sees that you understand how they are feeling, they will feel less need to show you how they are feeling through their behaviours. So, rather than scream, shout or cry to show you that they are angry, they will feel better when you have made it clear that you already understand that they are upset.

Be a role model to your child on how to express feelings in an appropriate way.

It’s fine to say to your child how you want them to behave or not to behave when they feel an emotion. However, as in everything in life, if you do not model a similar way of expressing emotions, then your child is not likely to adopt your suggestions.

If you are expecting your child to not shout when they are angry, but you sometimes do, then your child will mimic your behaviour rather than your advice about how to express anger. This is one of the biggest challenges for us as parents, as we tend to get caught when we don’t think and we act in a way that contradicts what we preach.

The only way to teach your child how to express emotions is by modelling them yourself. Therefore, try to use feeling words in your everyday conversation with your child. Practice saying “I am frustrated when others don’t understand me” or “I feel happy seeing the entire family at dinner”.

Many studies show that emotionally intelligent parents are more likely to have emotionally intelligent children. Therefore, it is very important for you to build these skills to be an effective role model to your child.

Teach effective emotional coping skills

Once kids understand their emotions, they need us as parents to teach them how to deal with those emotions in a positive way. Knowing how to calm themselves down, cheer themselves up, or face their fears can be complicated for our kids.

We need to teach them specific coping skills that will enable them to express their emotions in a safe and friendly way. For example, teaching them to take a few deep breaths through their nose and blow out through their mouth as if they’re blowing through a bubble wand will help them when they feel anger in their body. Or to disconnect from the event that made them feel angry, such as going to their room to calm down. Another way is to calm their body down through expressing their anger in words, for example, saying: ‘I am angry’. Another way is to have an ‘anger pillow’ which they can punch when they feel angry.  This is a great option with people who need physical release from emotions. A great method for older kids can be to write in a diary what made them angry and how they feel.

You might also help your child create a kit that helps them regulate their feelings. A colouring book, a diary, soothing music, or play doh that they can feel and squeeze in their hands are a few items that can help engage their senses and calm their emotions. Put the items in a special box that they decorate. Then, when they’re upset, remind them to go get their calm down kit and practice using their tools to manage their emotions.  Other ideas include an emotional chart with different faces so they can choose how they feel if they cannot express it in words.

Make emotional intelligence your ongoing goal

No matter how emotionally intelligent your child seems, there is always room for improvement, and there are likely to be some ups and downs throughout childhood and adolescence. As your child grows older, they are likely to face obstacles that will challenge their skills. So, make it your goal to incorporate skill-building into your everyday life. When your child is young, talk about feelings every day.

Talk about the emotions the characters in books feel as you read to your child at bedtime or in movies you both watch.. Discuss better ways the character might have been able to behave to resolve their emotions. Take daily incidents that your child tells you about as opportunities to discuss emotions.

As your child grows older, talk about real-life situations—whether it’s things they are encountering in their daily life or it is problems they read or hear about. 

Remember to use your child’s mistakes as opportunities to grow better. When they act out because they are angry or they hurt someone’s feelings, take time to talk about how they can do better in the future after they have calmed down and are willing to listen to you. This is a very important step to develop your child’s emotional intelligence.

Get professional support and scientific measurements for you and your child

As you may have sensed, my passion lies is in developing EQ in young children and adolescents. If the concepts listed above seem important to you, I can help you embark on a professionally structured journey to help you and your child master emotional intelligence. I have significant clinical experience working with parents and children and as a parent myself I appreciate how this can all feel very challenging at times. Together we can devise a program that would ensure you get the ongoing practical support for you and your child to cope with your specific and unique challenges. 

The support program includes the use of scientifically validated psychometric assessments which measure emotional intelligence in both parents and children. These assessments are only allowed to be administered and interpreted by a qualified psychologist. Some of the assessments that we use include the MSCEIT-YV, which is a more recently developed and validated assessment tool for measuring EI in children aged 10 to 18; and the MESCEIT, which is used to measure EI in people aged 18 and above

ADAM program

Our A.D.A.M. program is designed to develop EI in both parents and children and involves the following process:

Assess – EI assessment and report

Assessment of you and your child using scientific tools specifically developed to measure emotional intelligence. A professional report is then written by a registered and qualified psychologist.

Define – Defining key EI goals for you and your child

In this step we will work together to map the key emotional intelligence challenges identified between both you and your child. Based on this map, we will develop a clear and agreed path for working through these key issues.

Acquire – Acquiring EI tools 

In this step, we will work together to provide both you and your child the tools and guidance to develop healthy and functional EI abilities to better cope with and overcome these challenges. 

Maintain – Ongoing support 

Emotional intelligence is a lifelong ability undergoing continual challenge and development. We will work with you and guide you in overcoming the challenges and setbacks with long-term development of EI in you and your child. We will also measure and track the progress using validated scientific tools.

As I am registered practitioner with APHRA, Medicare rebates are available for these consultation sessions. If this program is of interest to you, please feel welcome to email me and let me know about your challenges and I will provide an initial opinion as to whether this program could be of benefit for you and your child.